You ever have too much time on your hands? That’s this section.
It was not until this very moment that I realized each parody is health-related. Perhaps something to explore.
An anthem for lasik doctors
To the tune of “Hold On, We’re Going Home” by Drake
I got my eyes on you
I’m gonna help you see
I want your hard cash no insurance,
Endlessly
I can’t cut into you
Your glasses are blocking me
I want your bad genes and rent payment,
Endlessly
‘Cause you’re my patient and you know it
You are so dilated around me
‘Cause you’re my patient and you know it
I know exactly who you could see
Just hold on, I slit the dome
Just hold on, I slit the dome
Your cornea will heal on its own
Just hold on, I slit the dome, ho-oh-oh
BAse Fracture of the fifth metatarsal
To the tune of “At Last” by Etta James
In a cast
My foot will lug along
With crutches, it can hover
All because I jumped rope wrong
Ouch yeah, in a cast
Each toe’s a shade of blue
My friends say “I just drove her—
it’s your turn, please, you’re overdue”
I found a doc that I could speak to
A doc that I could show my bone
He found a fracture on the x ray
A fracture in the first, most common zone
Oh, and he frowned
(he frowned)
Oh, and then the plan was set
And here we are, immobile
For I’m on one foot, in a cast
Gluten intolerance awareness month
To the tune of “Beautiful Girls” by Sean Kingston
You’re way too glutenous, girl
That’s why rice is much preferred
You’ll make my gut inflamed, yeah
Gut inflamed, yeah
And I’ll be cramped over
Damn all these Hawaiian rolls
Why do I own a nice toaster?
You’ll be so bloated, baby
Bloated, baby
Getting gluten from the grocer
See it started at the store used to want to buy more
Oh when you caught my eye, that’s when I wanted rye
’Cause we both thought that bread was nutritious
(Was nutritious)
A bunch of maniacs say we have celiacs
Oh, we didn’t care, we like our wheaty beer
And they also said that we couldn’t bake together